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| I smelled her perfume again today. Matter of fact, I can smell it right now, at work. It's everywhere in here, permeating the library to the point that I'm sure if I turned around that one more corner I'd see her sitting there. But then...at the same time, I know that to not be true. She's in San Antonio, and she's got no reason to be in the Austin College library. I don't know what it is about that perfume that gets me the way it does...but I can't help it. Every time I smell it, it reminds me of what used to be and what never will be again. It's not even that I want to be with her again, because firstly, it's been too long and we're different people now, and secondly, I'd be too nervous that what happened the first time would happen again. It's more that I guess I just wish it had never ended in the first place. I don't like it when this happens...usually I just go outside and smoke when I feel this way, but I'm trying to quit again. I don't know how to deal with this kind of empty nostalgia...it's what got me started smoking in the first place. Is it really that much to ask to be in love with someone you're attracted to physically? With Megan, I was attracted to her, but I could tell early on that we'd never be in love. Now, with Ashley, we could eventually fall in love but I'm just not physically attracted to her. It's really frustrating...I'm glad we havent fooled around at all, because I know I'd just end up feeling like I'm using her afterwards. I want back what Ani and I had. Before it went to shit it was wonderful. More often than not lately, I keep believing that it's gone forever. God, that perfume... | | |
| Every now and then I find myself graced with moments of immense clarity and insight. More ofthen than not this will happen in the middle of the night while I'm outside having a smoke, and more often than not they will leave me noticably shaken or disturbed. The most recent one provided me with a rather unsettling revelation:
I am an adult now.
I don't mean in terms of age...from my experience, your chronology has nothing to do with adulthood. I know quite a few people well into their thirties that still act like teenagers. I'm just saying that as of now, I have completely matured. All the naievity that comes with youth has long since been washed away. I'm not saying I'm not still young; what I mean to say is that I am now fully mentally and emotionally equipped to make it in the world today.
That is both unsettling and exciting to me. | | |
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| Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin' clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win
Half my life is in books' written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
[repeat]
Dream On, Dream On
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream On, Dream On
Dream until your dream come true
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On...[x2]
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away [repeat] | | |
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